Pouring my thoughts out

I’m now on the NHS nursing bank,finally. Alex is still in New Zealand,I miss him a lot although I am making good use of my spare time. My ex sent me an email yesterday, the last conversation was one in which I told him I didn’t wish to speak to him. It was a nice email and I know he was trying to be helpful but I can’t help but feel it was partly an excuse to speak to me. He had taken notes from a research group that he is aware of. It outlined studies in the progression to the possibility of using stem cells as immunotherapy in the treatment of MS. Granted, it was interesting but it also has nothing to do with him. I am already aware of the possible successful effects of using stem cells in the treatment of multiple sclerosis.

I can’t help but feeling that he is just trying to keep in contact. I still blame him for our breakup. It wasn’t fair. None of it was. I had no choice but to break up with him. I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever done and now I’m incredibly happy with Alex. I didn’t think it was possible to find someone like him but he is the best thing that has happened to me. As well as bringing happiness to my life, he makes me feel secure and that was something I did not feel in my last relationship.

Still getting used to my dark hair, I think I like it just as much as blonde (if not more). Another benefit of having balyage hair is that I don’t need to get it dyed when my roots come through and I can grow it. I do think that I need more of a tan though.

Plodding away in my postgraduate course. Studying global public health and pain management courses this semester. Global public health is a mixture between being very important and interesting but also boring and dry at times. I think I have a better understanding of global public health in general now especially political aspects and some of the challenges regarding corrupt governments who don’t have their peoples’ best interests at heart. Looking at millennial development goals and sustainable development goals and how the focus for millennial development goals has shifted towards non-communicable diseases. Today we were discussing governance and policy. We were fortunate to have a guest speaker, a PhD student that now works for the World Health Organisation. It was interesting to hear about the inner workings of WHO. It is said to be quite ‘top heavy’ and they have interns who they do not pay during the duration of their internship (up to 12 weeks). We heard how Heineken wish to give money to aids charities and discussed potential issues with this in the promotion of health. I think as long as the money was donated anonymously and Heineken were not using this as a marketing ploy.

We learned about the function of the UN and definitions for realism and liberalism, what a statist is and what a a globalist is.

This is just thought vom for my own records,

peace out ūüôā


Life and love- journal entry

At present I feel anxious, excited, happy, scared, hopeful and determined- just a few words that sum up my state of mind.

Highlights of the past couple of weeks

A new chihuahua cafe has opened up in my area, this made me ludicrously happy. So my new boyfriend *internal squeal* and I visited, much to his delight…. (yes, you’d be right to detect the sarcasm). He enjoyed it although probably wouldn’t be so free to admit this to his friends over a manly pint of beer… I have now firmly decided that I want a chihuahua. They’re so adorably cute and no, before you ask, I’m not the ‘handbag dog’ type of lady, or so I thought…..

You might be wondering about this new boyfriend I’ve been mentioning. Yes! Alex and I are now facebook official after 3 months of exclusive dating. He’s beautiful. “He’s beautiful” is legitimately all I can fathom when people ask about my new beau or my mother asks how he is… and yes, being ‘facebook official’ is a big step for me. I reckon that shows an agreement if you will, of commitment by both parties, a public announcement that you are proud to be partnered with said person. This is kind of corny but I never thought it possible to feel like this. I am dangerously infatuated with this man although do my best to ‘keep my cool’ (not in a crazy, stalker, revenge if we broke up kind of way mind you, that’s just not my jam). I have the love bug, when we’re together nothing else matters. I think I got lucky with this one.

Although I consider myself to be a pretty rational and level-headed person at the best of times, I do think part of me is an old romantic and he definitely plays to this part of my soul. I think he is an old romantic too. It’s crazy how much we seem alike, in our thoughts, beliefs and outlook on the world. We are both deep-thinkers which seems as though it could be beneficial to a relationship, nothing is left unsaid and we have become very close.

So there you have it, a couple of highlights from the past two weeks. This is just a quick entry to journal my thoughts but I am planning on using wordpress more often.

Peace out and lots of Christmas love



Life feels amazing. Ludicrously happy, scared I’ll ruin things.

Alex is beautiful, I can’t remember ever feeling this way about someone.

He has dark, dreamily curly hair.

Just the right amount of tall.

And, and his eyes, oh my goodness. I lose my self in his gorgeous, dark eyes. I pinch myself because I know I’m falling and I’m falling hard. I’ve either never felt this way or I’ve forgotten what falling for someone feels like. I can’t fault anything he does.

To me, he is perfection.


A poem to my ex

Dear A,

I am so glad for all the time we spent together. I wouldn’t change it. I don’t hate you anymore. I’m not frustrated or resentful anymore. Thank you for liberating me, freeing me from our relationship.

A slow and painful break-up. I mourned our relationship months before it ended. Polyamory seemed like a solution for long-distance. It wasn’t. Two days she stayed at yours. The two days before I arrived, embarking on a 15 hour flight. Passing like ships in the night. Our relationship, 3 years, monogamous, wasn’t sacred enough to you. I held you in high esteem, you would speak for me. Age was a factor, six years older. I was young in your eyes. Naive and trusting.

We went to burning man then. I arrived in SFO, I wanted to keep a distance. I felt hurt. My space had been invaded just a day before. She wasn’t interested in being my friend. I¬† was perceptive. You were flattered by her. You made me out to be jealous. I wasn’t jealous, just disappointed and aggrieved. I’m allowed to have feelings. You didn’t tell me anything, run anything by me. When I objected you were already miles ahead. You still speak to her, even after everything. She posts on social media, opinionated, attention-seeking, subtle messages directed at people. You told me it was her way of gaining support from friends. Our mutual friends. You never told her to take that post down. It wasn’t about her now, it was about us.

Burning man was incredible. Free-spirits, dreams, love. We lost ourselves there, we tolerated each other, even enjoyed each others company. Behind all this, the resentment couldn’t die.

That was months ago. This is now. I’m happy. Happy where I am. I’m a nurse studying for a masters degree. Wow. I have a boyfriend, early days. He is showing me what I had been missing. Helping me realise that I need to feel important to someone, be on equal footing. It’s all or nothing. My subconscious told me we were wrong for each other. I realise now. It’s always been about you. You want to do good in the world but lack genuine empathy for fellow beings. You want to bask in the glory. You want recognition. It’s only that.

I don’t think you know what love feels like. I don’t think you ever will, that you are capable. Ambition is your curse.




Relapsing remitting MS

I received a formal diagnosis two days ago- because there is evidence of older lesions I was able to get this diagnosis. Pretty bummed about it but oh well- I wish I’d been told sooner but I think they made a judgement that i was too ‘fragile’. I’m a nurse for goodness sake… *rolls eyes*

What’s new?

Hi all,

Just thought I’d put an entry of my progress in. I have annual leave coming up and I’m super excited to be going back to California to see my boyfriend. Putting the whole clinically isolated syndrome thing behind me! (for now).

I have been ¬†getting episodes of extreme tiredness but I think that’s mostly down to my job.

Anyway California in 11 days! Flying via Iceland with Wow airlines- got return tickets for an amazing price of £411, just with cabin luggage but that is still a beasting price!

Also getting all dolled up before I go. I have a hair appointment next wed in which I’ll get a trim and my roots dyed. Love the wee hair salon that I go to, it’s called noirouge and it uses mostly natural hair products like Davines products which you can buy online at ‘cult beauty’. ¬†Ahhh I can’t wait!

ciao xxx


Back to normality ooop there goes gravity

I have been back at work for the past two weeks now and have really pushed myself back to ‘normality’. Pretty certain my balance and coordination was still a little ‘off’ when I first got back into my 12 and a half hour nursing shifts, however, onward and upwards is my new favourite motto. I also recently started taking fitness ¬†classes (Konga, Zumba, Rockout workout) which have been absolutely fabulous for mind, body and soul.

So work haven’t been the most understanding and it’s taking me an age to get an occupational health appointment, self- referral may present a faster route than my manager (charge nurse) referring me. I keep having to tell my ‘story’ to my colleagues when they act concerned, asking why I have been off. Doing so feels like indulging in self-pity once again which makes me feel guilty and sad. I don’t want sympathy but at the same time I felt like I had to explain (especially at first since I still didn’t feel completely, 100% recovered (I now do)).

Work also told me I had IV training the Friday before last. So get this!- we’re meant to have two weeks notice to fill out a chunky calculations book- this I didn’t know about and the IV training I was meant to attend was the following Monday. So I lit had two days to fill out this workbook I never knew about and to add insult to injury I was working day shift Saturday and Sunday. I ended up having to go back to the ward and work a 12 and a half hour shift there because I was being put on the course in place of another staff nurse so they never had a record of my name.*face palm*

My thoughts and feelings have been very ‘up and down’ these past few weeks. At present I feel emotionally stronger than ever. I have read somewhere that emotional lability can be a symptom of clinically isolated syndrome/multiple sclerosis. I guess deciding whether that’s cause or effect is challenging though.

I feel sad and undeserving when explaining to colleagues what I was off with. I think I feel frustrated at myself for something that was beyond my control and for what I perceive as ‘letting my team down’ by being off work and perhaps leaving them short. Maybe that’s a sign of the times in the NHS and the result of pressures felt at all levels.

I think these feelings are natural to experience after a neurological episode. Everyone is wrapped up in their own issues and in such a fast-paced work place there’s really no time for special allowances or much compassion for other staff members. Plus I don’t want to be treated out of the ordinary because I look and feel fine now.

17077614_1352332851503884_5329768592852385792_nMy action plan is to be positive, get an occupational health appointment if only for the sake of having a paper trail and to keep doing what I’m doing- healthy living and taking Vit B12, Calcium and magnesium, Ginkgo biloba, Omega 3 and Vit D.

I’ve not really gone in to too much depth in this reflective account because after feeling so vulnerable throughout this period, I’d rather not drudge up all the negative feelings that I had been experiencing but I feel it’s important to write a blog and keep track of my progress. Peace out.